Tag Archives: Self-esteem

Parenting

TEN THINGS   NEVER  TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD  :

Parenting is not  a very  easy job. The most important and difficult part of parenting is learning to talk to your child.

Remember that children take everything literally and the way you talk to them goes a long way in building their personality. As a parent who wants the best for them, sometimes we say things that we don’t really mean. Caution: damage is done.

Read on to know the 10 things parents and grandparents should never tell their kids:

1. ‘You are a bad boy/girl’

Never feed negative thoughts in your children, it kills their self-esteem. Kids are innocent and believe in goodness. Always tell them to be good, happy, and positive. Explain them that some words or actions are bad as they may hurt or harm somebody. But don’t tell them that it makes them a bad boy/girl. In fact, give them a positive comment like “you are the best/cutest/brightest child in the world,” it will boost their self-esteem. Chances are that they would never want to let you down. Teach them what is right and wrong, and to value good things over bad.

2. A straight ‘NO’

A straight ‘no’ is too harsh for your little prince/princess. If kids hear ‘no’ all the time, they lose confidence and faith in their parents. If you don’t approve of your children action, try giving them options. For example, instead of saying “No shouting,” try “Talk softly, please.” Instead of “Don’t play in the house,” tell them “Why don’t you call your friends to the park and play.”

3. ‘Don’t talk to me’

Never ban the channel of communication between you and your children. Never tell them to stop talking or arguing. Let them question and share their opinion freely. Rather talk to them, if you want them to stick to your advice. Tell them what they are supposed to do and why it’s important. Convince them with your words, tone, and expressions. Yes, keep talking and listening till they buy your point. When my child doesn’t buy my point, instead of asking him not to argue, I make a sad face and say ‘Okay, do whatever you like, but I am upset.’ This may start the conversation again and you have a chance to bargain or win the argument. Try arriving on a win-win situation.

4. ‘Why can’t you be like your brother/sister?’

Never compare your children with their brother/sister. It makes them jealous. They will feel left out. It drives feeling of failure in your kids and dislike between siblings.

Download free socialisation skills worksheet for your child

5. ‘Leave me alone!’

You are everything to your kids. Never tell them that you will leave them alone or demand to be left alone. Never say anything that will hurt your children to an extent that they feel they aren’t loved or wanted. It’s a big no-no even if you feel like pulling out your hair, or just want to be alone. Talk of kids teaching us patience? Yeah!

6. ‘No one wants kids like you’

A ‘problem child’ doesn’t exist by its own, right? We are the ones to blame if kids become problematic. They are a reflection of parents. They have learnt everything from parents, family, friends, and surroundings. So if you think your children aren’t behaving properly, remember they didn’t choose to be in the world that surrounds them. You chose that world for them!

7. ‘You can’t do this!’

Never shake your kids’ self-confidence. There will be times when they would want to do something, but you know they won’t be able to do. Just remember to give them a chance as long as it doesn’t harm them. When my son thinks he can lift a heavy chair, instead of ‘you can’t do it,’ I tell him, ‘Try if you can do it or I will help you,’ or ‘You might hurt yourself in this attempt so let me do it for you.’ The best alternative, however, is ‘Let’s do it together!’ Kids learn through trial and error. However they’ll never try anything new, if you’ve made them afraid to try.
How engaged is your child? Find out now > >

8. ‘Girls/Boys don’t do that’

A child is a child, so let him/her be. Don’t create gender-biased rules. Let your kids decide for themselves—to be more like girls or boys when they grow up. Don’t stop them from exploring things they may be curious about or good at. When my son was three years old, I bought him a kitchen set and was prepared to see people surprised. Who said boys shouldn’t cook?

9. ‘Let Daddy come and I will tell

This common mistake by parents is a double whammy. It instils anxiety and fear in your child—especially of the person who you’re going to tell about whatever happened—and it shows you’re incapable of handling your children or the issue. Also, don’t make it an everyday threat. There are things your kid may do unintentionally, or irresponsibly. You may want to tell your spouse about it. Ask your kids, “Do you want to tell dad, or should I explain it to him and give the reason?” Let your children take ownership of their mistakes and their actions, but do it respectfully.

10. ‘You are too big to do this!’

Don’t deprive your kids of childhood. They will grow up, what’s the hurry? Instead, be like them. See if it makes them more comfortable and happy. So when my 8-year-old wants to jump on the bed because India won a cricket match, what do I do? I start jumping too, and love to see him happier!

As a parent it’s our responsibility to make them happy, secure, and confident to face the world. What are the other things you think a parent should never say to a child? Comment now!

Resources: Times of India

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Greater self-acceptance improves emotional well-being

Self-acceptance is defined as “an individual’s acceptance of all of his/her attributes, positive or negative.” It includes body acceptance, self-protection from negative criticism, and believing in one’s capacities………CLICK &  SEE

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Many people have low self-acceptance. There can be many reasons for this, but one widely accepted theory is that because we develop our self-esteem, in part, from others appreciating us, people with low self-acceptance may have had parents who lacked empathy during their childhood. Consequently, in their adult lives, they may need much stronger affirmation from others than most people do. In other words, ordinary levels of approval do not “move the needle” on their self-esteem.

Some people with low self-acceptance try to bolster it by accomplishing great things. But this only helps your self-esteem for a while. That’s because achievement is a poor substitute for intimacy. In addition, these people are often under the impression that “taking it” when suffering is the main reflection of their value. It’s hard for them to believe in genuine caring, and when it does come their way, they are suspicious of it.

Of course, self-acceptance (or lack thereof) does not exist in a vacuum — it actually has profound effects on your physical and psychological health. For that reason, it is worth understanding what these effects are, and what you can do about it.
The emotional and physical consequences of low self-acceptance:-

Without self-acceptance, your psychological well-being can suffer, and often, beneficial interventions are less helpful for you than for others with higher self-acceptance.

For example, practicing mindfulness can help many people reduce the impact of stress. But when you cannot accept yourself, it becomes less effective. Also, if you have a physical illness such as rheumatoid arthritis, not accepting yourself can make you more anxious about your body. In this context, your automatic negative thoughts increase.

English: Managing emotions - Identifying feelings

English: Managing emotions – Identifying feelings (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In addition, if you feel negatively about yourself, the brain regions that help you control emotions and stress have less gray matter than someone with a greater degree of self-acceptance — that is, these regions actually have less tissue to “work with.” This lack of gray matter may also appear in regions of the brainstem that process stress and anxiety. Stress signals from these latter regions, in turn, disrupt the emotional control regions. So, poor self-acceptance may disrupt emotional control in two ways: directly, by disrupting the brain regions that control it, and also indirectly, by increasing stress signals in your brain that subsequently disrupt these regions.
How to bolster your self-acceptance:-

There are three ways to increase self-acceptance:

1.self-regulation
2.self-awareness
3.self-transcendence.

Self-regulation involves suppressing negative emotions such as self-hatred, refocusing on the positive aspects of yourself, and reframing negative situations so that you see the opportunities in them. For example, looking for ways in which negative criticism can help you grow constitutes reframing.

However, self-control may be less powerful than we think. The lack of self-acceptance can be deeply unconscious — that is, it can exist at a level beyond our conscious control. Also, when you do not accept or forgive yourself, “you” are still split from “yourself” — you do not feel “together.” Both of these parts — the one that needs to forgive, and the one that needs to be forgiven — are at odds with each other. In this situation, self-transcendence can be helpful.

When you are “self-transcendent,” you rely less on things outside of yourself to define you. Instead, you turn to an unforced sense of connectedness with the world. You can achieve this by contributing to work, family, or the community at large. The goal is to seek unity with some system in a way that is heartfelt and authentic. Any of the methods I’ve described in this post may also contribute to self-transcendence.

Fortunately, just like self-acceptance, self-transcendence also engenders physical changes in the brain. It has been associated with increased serotonin transporter availability in the brainstem. As mentioned earlier, this same region impacts self-acceptance. Transcendental meditation is another potential tool to consider for self-transcendence. It decreases cortisol and reduces your stress response.

Meditation as a path to self-acceptance:-

Self-acceptance can also be achieved by two other kinds of meditation: mindfulness meditation and loving-kindness meditation.

Mindful attention to emotions involves not “judging,” but observing, your emotions when they arise. This can lower your brain’s emotional response to anxiety and distress. It effectively “calms down” your amygdala.

Having more compassion toward yourself appears to be helpful in increasing self-acceptance. Loving-kindness meditation can help you achieve this state by changing the activity in regions of the brain that perceive and process emotions. For example, people previously numb to praise may be able to become more accepting of it. It is also associated with greater connectivity within the brain. This makes sense, as lack of self-acceptance has been associated with excessive right-hemisphere activity in the brain. Loving-kindness meditation provides a potential way to correct this imbalance.

Find the ways to self-acceptance that work:-

 Not all of these methods work for everyone. And while double-blind placebo-controlled trials remain the scientific gold standard to assess whether each intervention “works,” they are limited too. They tell us little about what will work for an individual — an individual is, by definition, uniquely different from everyone, including study participants. So, it is most important to do what works for you. Self-acceptance is key to a healthy emotional and psychological life. Start exploring what works for you today.

Resources: Copied from Harvard Health Publications
Harvard Medical School

7 Ways to Deal with Annoying People and Still Get Things Done

You can’t get along with everyone. But throughout your life, you’ll be in situations where you simply have to communicate with some of those people you just can’t stand. This may be an annoying boss, an ingratiating fan, a spineless co-worker, a difficult client, an abrasive in-law, and any number of people with any number of faults....click & see

You don’t always have to be nice — professional and to-the-point will often get the job done just as well — but you do need to make yourself understood clearly or risk letting your dislike translate into inefficient communication that hinders or even entirely undermines whatever projects you’re working on.

1. Listen
A lot of conflicts are based in misunderstandings, so always make sure you’re getting everything. Use careful questioning to focus the other person on the topic at hand so they give you what you need and avoid straying too far.

2. Repeat Everything
Your feelings about another person can color your perception of what they’re saying. To avoid this, repeat back any instructions, questions, or other problems they pose to you to make sure you absolutely understand.

3. Keep Your Cool
It’s tempting to want to argue with people who rub you the wrong way. Don’t do that! Unless they’re wrong  about something  that directly and materially affects you, don’t bother. Save the debates for when you’re with friends whose opinions matter to you.

4. Be Clear About Boundaries
You don’t have to be friends with everyone. Which means you don’t have to do favors for everyone who asks.

5. Fight Fire With Ice
The  worst thing you can do with angry or irrational people is engage them. As hard as it might seem to do, the best thing is to sit quietly and let them spend themselves ranting and raving, and then ask if they’d like to schedule a time to discuss the matter more calmly and return to whatever you were doing. If this sets off another round of yelling, simply wait it out and repeat.

6. Close the Door
Remember that your time is your own — don’t let other people, especially ones you’d rather not interact with, take control of your time. Communication outside of the narrow band needed to fulfill both of your objectives should be minimized.

7. You’re Valuable — Remember That
If you’ve found yourself in a position where you are obligated for some reason to spend time with someone you dislike, remember that most likely, they are in the same position with regard to you. But you wouldn’t be in that situation if you didn’t provide something of value, whether that’s a work skill or talent, specialized knowledge, even things as abstract as emotional support or solidarity.

People that are annoying, difficult, selfish, boring, or otherwise a chore to deal with are that way for reasons that have nothing to do with you — it’s not your job to fix, engage with, or indulge those tendencies. Don’t worry abut figuring them out or correcting them; worry instead about how you’re going to manage their  annoyances without letting it hinder your ability to achieve your own goals.

Sources:

Lifehack January 28, 2009

Related Links:
*Low Self-Esteem Sabotages Relationships
*Profound Thoughts About Relationships And Patience
*12 Ways to Improve Your Relationships and Your Life!

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