Remember that children take everything literally and the way you talk to them goes a long way in building their personality. As a parent who wants the best for them, sometimes we say things that we don’t really mean. Caution: damage is done.
Read on to know the 10 things parents and grandparents should never tell their kids:
Never feed negative thoughts in your children, it kills their self-esteem. Kids are innocent and believe in goodness. Always tell them to be good, happy, and positive. Explain them that some words or actions are bad as they may hurt or harm somebody. But don’t tell them that it makes them a bad boy/girl. In fact, give them a positive comment like “you are the best/cutest/brightest child in the world,” it will boost their self-esteem. Chances are that they would never want to let you down. Teach them what is right and wrong, and to value good things over bad.
A straight ‘no’ is too harsh for your little prince/princess. If kids hear ‘no’ all the time, they lose confidence and faith in their parents. If you don’t approve of your children action, try giving them options. For example, instead of saying “No shouting,” try “Talk softly, please.” Instead of “Don’t play in the house,” tell them “Why don’t you call your friends to the park and play.”
Never ban the channel of communication between you and your children. Never tell them to stop talking or arguing. Let them question and share their opinion freely. Rather talk to them, if you want them to stick to your advice. Tell them what they are supposed to do and why it’s important. Convince them with your words, tone, and expressions. Yes, keep talking and listening till they buy your point. When my child doesn’t buy my point, instead of asking him not to argue, I make a sad face and say ‘Okay, do whatever you like, but I am upset.’ This may start the conversation again and you have a chance to bargain or win the argument. Try arriving on a win-win situation.
Never compare your children with their brother/sister. It makes them jealous. They will feel left out. It drives feeling of failure in your kids and dislike between siblings.
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5. ‘Leave me alone!’
You are everything to your kids. Never tell them that you will leave them alone or demand to be left alone. Never say anything that will hurt your children to an extent that they feel they aren’t loved or wanted. It’s a big no-no even if you feel like pulling out your hair, or just want to be alone. Talk of kids teaching us patience? Yeah!
A ‘problem child’ doesn’t exist by its own, right? We are the ones to blame if kids become problematic. They are a reflection of parents. They have learnt everything from parents, family, friends, and surroundings. So if you think your children aren’t behaving properly, remember they didn’t choose to be in the world that surrounds them. You chose that world for them!
Never shake your kids’ self-confidence. There will be times when they would want to do something, but you know they won’t be able to do. Just remember to give them a chance as long as it doesn’t harm them. When my son thinks he can lift a heavy chair, instead of ‘you can’t do it,’ I tell him, ‘Try if you can do it or I will help you,’ or ‘You might hurt yourself in this attempt so let me do it for you.’ The best alternative, however, is ‘Let’s do it together!’ Kids learn through trial and error. However they’ll never try anything new, if you’ve made them afraid to try.
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8. ‘Girls/Boys don’t do that’
A child is a child, so let him/her be. Don’t create gender-biased rules. Let your kids decide for themselves—to be more like girls or boys when they grow up. Don’t stop them from exploring things they may be curious about or good at. When my son was three years old, I bought him a kitchen set and was prepared to see people surprised. Who said boys shouldn’t cook?
This common mistake by parents is a double whammy. It instils anxiety and fear in your child—especially of the person who you’re going to tell about whatever happened—and it shows you’re incapable of handling your children or the issue. Also, don’t make it an everyday threat. There are things your kid may do unintentionally, or irresponsibly. You may want to tell your spouse about it. Ask your kids, “Do you want to tell dad, or should I explain it to him and give the reason?” Let your children take ownership of their mistakes and their actions, but do it respectfully.
Don’t deprive your kids of childhood. They will grow up, what’s the hurry? Instead, be like them. See if it makes them more comfortable and happy. So when my 8-year-old wants to jump on the bed because India won a cricket match, what do I do? I start jumping too, and love to see him happier!
As a parent it’s our responsibility to make them happy, secure, and confident to face the world. What are the other things you think a parent should never say to a child? Comment now!
Definition: Anger is an emotional response related to one’s psychological interpretation of having been threatened. Often it indicates when one’s basic boundaries are violated. Some have a learned tendency to react to anger through retaliation. Anger may be utilized effectively when utilized to set boundaries or escape from dangerous situations. Sheila Videbeck describes anger as a normal emotion that involves a strong uncomfortable and emotional response to a perceived provocation. Raymond Novaco of UC Irvine, who since 1975 has published a plethora of literature on the subject, stratified anger into three modalities: cognitive (appraisals), somatic-affective (tension and agitations), and behavioral (withdrawal and antagonism). William DeFoore, an anger-management writer, described anger as a pressure cooker: we can only apply pressure against our anger for a certain amount of time until it explodes. CLICK & SEE THE PICTURES Modern psychologists view anger as a primary, natural, and mature emotion experienced by virtually all humans at times, and as something that has functional value for survival. Anger can mobilize psychological resources for corrective action. Uncontrolled anger can, however, negatively affect personal or social well-being. While many philosophers and writers have warned against the spontaneous and uncontrolled fits of anger, there has been disagreement over the intrinsic value of anger. The issue of dealing with anger has been written about since the times of the earliest philosophers, but modern psychologists, in contrast to earlier writers, have also pointed out the possible harmful effects of suppressing anger. Displays of anger can be used as a manipulation strategy for social influence.
Effects of anger:
Anger occurs in an area of the brain called the amygdala. In a quarter of a second it releases the chemicals arginine-vasopressin, dopamine, noradrenalin, and corticotropin-releasing hormone and lowers serotonin levels. These chemicals make our bodies ready for a “fight or flight” reaction. The heart rate and blood pressure go up, pupils dilate and sweating occurs. Almost immediately, the blood supply to the frontal lobe of the brain increases. It reacts, releasing other chemicals like serotonin. As its levels rise, reason sets in and higher functions take over. Angry reactions are suppressed.
There are two types of anger : Passive anger and Aggressive anger. These two types of anger have some characteristic symptoms:
Passive anger: Passive anger can be expressed in the following ways:
*Dispassion, such as giving someone the cold shoulder or a fake smile, looking unconcerned or “sitting on the fence” while others sort things out, dampening feelings with substance abuse, overreacting, oversleeping, not responding to another’s anger, frigidity, indulging in sexual practices that depress spontaneity and make objects of participants, giving inordinate amounts of time to machines, objects or intellectual pursuits, talking of frustrations but showing no feeling.
*Evasiveness, such as turning one’s back in a crisis, avoiding conflict, not arguing back, becoming phobic.
*Defeatism, such as setting yourself and others up for failure, choosing unreliable people to depend on, being accident prone, underachieving, sexual impotence, expressing frustration at insignificant things but ignoring serious ones.
*Obsessive behavior, such as needing to be inordinately clean and tidy, making a habit of constantly checking things, over-dieting or overeating, demanding that all jobs be done perfectly.
*Psychological manipulation, such as provoking people to aggression and then patronizing them, provoking aggression but staying on the sidelines, emotional blackmail, false tearfulness, feigning illness, sabotaging relationships, using sexual provocation, using a third party to convey negative feelings, withholding money or resources.
*Secretive behavior, such as stockpiling resentments that are expressed behind people’s backs, giving the silent treatment or under the breath mutterings, avoiding eye contact, putting people down, gossiping, anonymous complaints, poison pen letters, stealing, and conning.
*Self-blame, such as apologizing too often, being overly critical, inviting criticism.
*Bullying, such as threatening people directly, persecuting, pushing or shoving, using power to oppress, shouting, driving someone off the road, playing on people’s weaknesses.
*Destructiveness, such as destroying objects as in vandalism, harming animals, destroying a relationship, reckless driving, substance abuse.
*Grandiosity, such as showing off, expressing mistrust, not delegating, being a sore loser, wanting center stage all the time, not listening, talking over people’s heads, expecting kiss and make-up sessions to solve problems.
*Hurtfulness, such as physical violence, including sexual abuse and rape, verbal abuse, biased or vulgar jokes, breaking confidence, using foul language, ignoring people’s feelings, willfully discriminating, blaming, punishing people for unwarranted deeds, labeling others.
*Manic behavior, such as speaking too fast, walking too fast, working too much and expecting others to fit in, driving too fast, reckless spending.
*Selfishness, such as ignoring others’ needs, not responding to requests for help, queue jumping.
*Threats, such as frightening people by saying how one could harm them, their property or their prospects, finger pointing, fist shaking, wearing clothes or symbols associated with violent behaviour, tailgating, excessively blowing a car horn, slamming doors.
*Unjust blaming, such as accusing other people for one’s own mistakes, blaming people for your own feelings, making general accusations.
Unpredictability, such as explosive rages over minor frustrations, attacking indiscriminately, dispensing unjust punishment, inflicting harm on others for the sake of it, using alcohol and drugs, illogical arguments.
*Vengeance, such as being over-punitive, refusing to forgive and forget, bringing up hurtful memories from the past.
People can “feel the heat” as anger builds up in the body. Three responses are possible at this point. The emotion can be vented out, suppressed or attempts can be made to calm down. Expressing anger to a superior or an authority figure may not be the wisest path.
Suppression of anger, especially if the aggravation is continuous and long term, can have negative effects. The blood pressure can go up, it can precipitate a stroke or heart attack and it can result in overeating and obesity with its attendant problems or depression.
People feel angry when they sense that they or someone they care about has been offended, when they are certain about the nature and cause of the angering event, when they are certain someone else is responsible, and when they feel they can still influence the situation or cope with it. For instance, if a person’s car is damaged, they will feel angry if someone else did it (e.g. another driver rear-ended it), but will feel sadness instead if it was caused by situational forces (e.g. a hailstorm) or guilt and shame if they were personally responsible (e.g. he crashed into a wall out of momentary carelessness).
Usually, those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of “what has happened to them” and in most cases the described provocations occur immediately before the anger experience. Such explanations confirm the illusion that anger has a discrete external cause. The angry person usually finds the cause of their anger in an intentional, personal, and controllable aspect of another person’s behavior. This explanation, however, is based on the intuitions of the angry person who experiences a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability as a result of their emotion. Anger can be of multicausal origin, some of which may be remote events, but people rarely find more than one cause for their anger. According to Novaco, “Anger experiences are embedded or nested within an environmental-temporal context. Disturbances that may not have involved anger at the outset leave residues that are not readily recognized but that operate as a lingering backdrop for focal provocations (of anger).” According to Encyclopædia Britannica, an internal infection can cause pain which in turn can activate anger.
Anger makes people think more optimistically. Dangers seem smaller, actions seem less risky, ventures seem more likely to succeed, and unfortunate events seem less likely. Angry people are more likely to make risky decisions, and make more optimistic risk assessments. In one study, test subjects primed to feel angry felt less likely to suffer heart disease, and more likely to receive a pay raise, compared to fearful people. This tendency can manifest in retrospective thinking as well: in a 2005 study, angry subjects said they thought the risks of terrorism in the year following 9/11 in retrospect were low, compared to what the fearful and neutral subjects thought.
In inter-group relationships, anger makes people think in more negative and prejudiced terms about outsiders. Anger makes people less trusting, and slower to attribute good qualities to outsiders.
When a group is in conflict with a rival group, it will feel more anger if it is the politically stronger group and less anger when it is the weaker.
Unlike other negative emotions like sadness and fear, angry people are more likely to demonstrate correspondence bias – the tendency to blame a person’s behavior more on his nature than on his circumstances. They tend to rely more on stereotypes, and pay less attention to details and more attention to the superficial. In this regard, anger is unlike other “negative” emotions such as sadness and fear, which promote analytical thinking.
An angry person tends to anticipate other events that might cause him anger. She/he will tend to rate anger-causing events (e.g. being sold a faulty car) as more likely than sad events (e.g. a good friend moving away).
A person who is angry tends to place more blame on another person for his misery. This can create a feedback, as this extra blame can make the angry man angrier still, so he in turn places yet more blame on the other person.
When people are in a certain emotional state, they tend to pay more attention to, or remember, things that are charged with the same emotion; so it is with anger. For instance, if you are trying to persuade someone that a tax increase is necessary, if the person is currently feeling angry you would do better to use an argument that elicits anger (“more criminals will escape justice”) than, say, an argument that elicits sadness (“there will be fewer welfare benefits for disabled children”). Also, unlike other negative emotions, which focus attention on all negative events, anger only focuses attention on anger-causing events.
Anger can make a person more desiring of an object to which his anger is tied. In a 2010 Dutch study, test subjects were primed to feel anger or fear by being shown an image of an angry or fearful face, and then were shown an image of a random object. When subjects were made to feel angry, they expressed more desire to possess that object than subjects who had been primed to feel fear.
To control anger:
Seneca addresses the question of mastering anger in three parts: 1. how to avoid becoming angry in the first place 2. how to cease being angry and 3. how to deal with anger in others.
Calming techniques have to be learnt, as they do not come naturally. As soon as you feel your heart pounding in anger, count mentally to 10 before retorting verbally or physically. This gives time for the frontal lobe to counter the amygdala. At the same time take a few deep breaths. Sometimes a word like peace or shanti repeated mentally several times can help with control. Yoga and meditation are time-tested ancient techniques.
When intense anger takes over, you can either leave the scene (probably an appropriate and safe response), or respond with physical or verbal aggression. If serotonin levels are low, unreasonable anger and aggression take over.
Standing before a mirror and looking at yourselves, may reduce the anger and sometimes taking a shower also reduces anger.
Logic defeats anger. Considering and analysing occurrences can often defuse anger. Listening to the other person, thinking things through, walking in the other man’s shoes, are all practical ways to tackle the problem of anger.
Regular aerobic exercise such as walking, jogging, running, cycling or swimming for 40 minutes or more a day has profound effects on physical and psychological make up. Chemicals are released from the muscles and these elevate serotonin levels. Anger does occur in people who exercise regularly, but the chemicals released by the body tend to put a “brake” on violent, irrational anger.
Cognitive behavioral affective therapy for anger:
A new integrative approach to anger treatment has been formulated by Ephrem Fernandez (2010) Termed CBAT, for cognitive behavioral affective therapy, this treatment goes beyond conventional relaxation and reappraisal by adding cognitive and behavioral techniques and supplementing them with affective techniques to deal with the feeling of anger. The techniques are sequenced contingently in three phases of treatment: prevention, intervention, and postvention. In this way, people can be trained to deal with the onset of anger, its progression, and the residual features of anger.
We encounter a wide variety of people our lives through. Many of them touch us in some positive way. Occasionally, however, we encounter those individuals who, for whatever reason, can be difficult to deal with. Perhaps this person is a colleague or your boss or close friend that you feel is deliberately being obtuse, inviting in trouble, or doing foolish things that you find annoying. Sometimes, it may be possible to appease or avoid those people short term. Dealing with them in the long term, however, can be exhausting. The behavior of difficult people can even make you feel like losing your temper, but keep your cool. Staying calm is the first step, especially when you are ready to confront them.
Avoiding a difficult person can improve impossible and not in your best interest, especially if you live or work together. Likewise, attempts to steer clear of them can become a source of stress and anxiety when they are a part of your social circle. When this is the case, it is best to kindly address the problem. Try not to let their actions or mood affect you. You also may want to try expressing your feelings directly. Tell to the person how their actions make you feel and encourage them toward a more positive course of action. Speak assertively, but respectfully, and don’t portray yourself as a victim. Another approach for dealing with a difficult individual is to gain a deeper understanding of who that person is. Ask them why they do or say certain things. If you disagree with their motives, question them further so you can try and discover the root of their behaviors. In doing so, you may be able to gently shift their perceptions, or at least help them understand your ! point of view.
You may want to think about what you want to say to a difficult person before you actually talk to them. If you can, avoid being judgmental or defensive, and try to approach the conversation objectively. If the person is open to the idea, try coming to an agreement. If approaching them fails, let it go and move on. There is no reason to let difficult person or situation have power over your state of being. Remember that a lot can be accomplished when you take the time to listen and offer up alternative perspectives.
The essence of all being is energy. Our physical and ethereal selves depend on the unrestricted flow of life energy that is the source of wholeness and wellness. Though the channels through which this energy flows are open systems and influenced by factors outside of our control, we ultimately choose what impact these will have in our lives. It is up to us to identify and clear blockages in the energy field to ensure that flow is maintained. A healthy, grounded individual absorbs some portion of the energy emitted by other people and the environment, but this does not interrupt the continuous stream of balanced energy sustaining them. The same individual copes constructively with stress and upset, and they are not subject to the stagnation that frequently goes hand in hand with negativity. When we keep the energy in and around our bodies flowing harmoniously, we are naturally healthy, vibrant, and peaceful.
Life energy flows through us like a swift stream when there is nothing to obstruct it, but various forces such as trauma, downbeat vibrations, and disappointments act like stones that impede the current. If we allow these to pile up, our life energy is thrown off its course or blocked entirely, causing illness, restlessness, and a lack of vigor. If, however, we take the time to clear these forces away, we rob them of the power to impact our lives. When we cultivate simple yet affirmative habits such as taking regular cleansing baths, practicing meditation and breathing exercises, smudging, and self-shielding, we protect ourselves from outside influences that might otherwise impede our energy flow. Likewise, we lessen the impact of inner influences when we clear our auras of unwanted attachments and divest ourselves of blocked emotions.
A strong and fluid energy field is the key that unlocks the doors of self-healing and peace of mind. Your awareness of the flow of energy sustaining you empowers you to take charge of your own well-being by taking steps to unblock, correct, and enhance that flow. Fear will likely be the culprit when you cannot identify the source of stagnation—you may simply be afraid to let go of what is obstructing the flow. Letting go can be challenging, but the exuberance you will feel when the flow is restored will be a welcome and blessed reward.
Most people don’t know the profound effects of making decisions. Often times, we go through life oblivious to what thoughts we are thinking and what actions we are taking. Every single decision we make in our days shapes our current reality. It shapes who we are as a person because we habitually follow through with the decisions we make without even realizing it.
If you’re unhappy with the results in your life right now, making the effort to changing your decisions starting today will be the key to creating the person you want to be and the life you want to have in the future. Let’s talk about a few ways you can go about making life changing decisions.
1. Realize the power of decision making.
Before you start making a decision, you have to understand what a decision does. Any decision that you make causes a chain of events to happen. When you decide to pick up a cigarette to smoke it, that decision might result in you picking up another one later on to get that same high feeling. After a day, you may have gone through a pack without knowing it. But if you decide not to smoke that first cigarette and make a decision every five minutes to focus your attention somewhere else when you get that craving, after doing this for a week, your cravings will eventually subside and you will become smoke-free. But it comes down to making that very first decision of deciding whether or not to pick up that cigarette.
2. Go with your gut.
Often times, we take too much time to make a decision because we’re afraid of what’s going to happen. As a result of this, we go through things like careful planning, deep analysis, and pros and cons before deciding. This is a very time consuming process. Instead, learn to trust your gut instinct. For the most part, your first instinct is usually the one that is correct or the one that you truly wanted to go with. Even if you end up making a mistake, going with your gut still makes you a more confident decision maker compared to someone who takes all day to decide.
3. Carry your decision out.
When you make a decision, act on it. Commit to making a real decision. What’s a real decision? It’s when you decide on something, and that decision is carried out through action. It’s pointless to make a decision and have it played out in your head, but not doing anything about it. That’s the same as not making a decision at all. If you want to make real changes in life, you have to make it a habit to apply action with your decision until it’s completed. By going through this so many times, you will feel more confident with accomplishing the next decision that you have in mind.
4. Tell others about your decisions.
There’s something about telling other people what we’re going to do that makes us follow through. For example, for the longest time I’ve been trying to become an early riser and whenever I tried to use my own will power, waking up early without falling back asleep felt impossible. So what I did was I went to a forum and made the decision to tell people that I would wake up at 6 AM and stay up. Within two days, I was able to accomplish doing this because I felt a moral obligation to follow through with my words even though I failed the first time. Did people care? Probably not, but just the fact that there might be someone else out there seeing if you’re telling the truth will give you enough motivation to following through with your decision.
5. Learn from your past decisions.
Even after I failed to follow through my decision the first time when I told people I was going to wake up early and stay up, I didn’t give up. I basically asked myself, “What can I do this time to make it work tomorrow? The truth is you are going to mess up at times when it comes to making decisions and instead of beating yourself up over it, learn something from it. Ask yourself, what was good about the decision I made? What was bad about it? What can I learn from it so I can make a better decision next time? Remember, don’t put so much emphasis focusing on short term effects; instead focus on the long term effects.
6. Maintain a flexible approach.
I know this might soundcounter-intuitive, but making a decision doesn’t mean that you can’t be open to other options. For example, let’s say you made the decision to lose ten pounds by next month through cardio. If something comes up, you don’t have to just do cardio. You can be open to losing weight through different methods of dieting as long as it helps you reach your goal in the end. Don’t be stubborn to seek out only one way of making a decision. Embrace any new knowledge that brings you closer to accomplishing your initial decision.
7. Have fun making decisions.
Finally, enjoy the process. I know decision-making might not be the most fun thing world to do, but when you do it often, it becomes a game of opportunity. You’ll learn a lot about yourself on the way, you’ll feel and become a lot more confident when you’re with yourself and around others, and making decisions will just become a lot easier after you do it so often that you won’t even think about it.
Anything you decide to do from this point on can have a profound effect later on. Opportunities are always waiting for you. Examine the decisions that you currently have in the day. Are there any that can be changed to improve your life in some way? Are there any decisions that you can make today that can create a better tomorrow?